The power of the mind is limitless
Okay, now that I’ve gotten some of my recent, hugely impactful events out in the open, let’s transition to something slightly less, well, heavy! I want to talk about my fitness and weight loss journey a bit more.
I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember, though I’ve got photographic proof that I was once within a normal weight range for my age. The earliest memory I have regarding my relationship with food is when I was quite young – maybe first grade? – and my mom, dad, and I were eating dinner at my grandpa’s house. My dad never finished what was on his plate. He was raised with the saying, “better too much than not enough.” I, however, subscribed wholly to everything my grandpa said, and he preached that there were starving children in Africa and we should always eat everything on our plate – waste not, want not. When my dad took his plate into the kitchen and I saw that there was still food on it, I called him out! I don’t remember any exact words, but I ended up getting scolded by my mother for being defiant and argumentative. I sobbed and sobbed over those children in Africa that didn’t get to have any dinner, while my dad just threw half of his into the garbage to rot.
I was a thick, solid girl in school; I played sports and enjoyed being outside doing things with friends. When I graduated high school, I wore a size 16 jeans (and this was before our coveted stretchy jeans were a thing) and, as I ventured out to live on my own, to work full-time, and choose binge drinking over physical activity, I saw my body mass increase, my energy level decrease, and my self-esteem plummet. Over the next 12 years, I would cycle through fad diets and workout videos, inconsistent motivation and drive, setbacks and discouragement, and find myself at my heaviest and talking to the doctor about being “pre-diabetic.”
About 2 years ago, I was staring down the barrel of turning 30, I was a whopping 318 pounds, I was effortlessly riding on the cusp of becoming diabetic, I had really poor self-talk – I mean really poor – and I had my size in the forefront of my mind constantly! I had always known that I could accomplish anything I put my mind to (my grandpa told me, so I knew it was true) but the reason I kept failing and backtracking and giving up was because I needed to get my head right.
I’d been through counseling – a lot – after my grandpa died in my junior year of high school, so I knew it worked. It helped me soar out of the crippling, all-consuming, thick, dark depression that swallowed me whole and hid me from the world. There had to be something that could be counseled outta me to make it all just click and let me be healthy; allow me to stick with the lifestyle changes that could reverse the effects of a shitty relationship with food… I just had to find that counselor.
After about 5 years of searching, it was as if the Universe finally heard me and knew I was serious. A local doctor had partnered with the company I worked for to start her own medical weight loss clinic: Dr Julie Gilbert, in Salem, Oregon entered my life. The Universe placed her delicately in my hands and said, “here you go, you donate blood regularly so you deserve some good karma.”
I’ve been seeing Julie for a year now and her program has been so important for me! She has a team, a fucking team of medical professionals that all work together to help patients be successful in turning their lives around. I see a counselor once a month, I see Julie once a month, I have weigh-ins weekly now and meetings with the nutritionist monthly… and fortunately, my insurance covers this! I have had so many breakthroughs with this counselor and I’m finally seeing things for what they are: surmountable obstacles – roundabouts in my road to success, where I just hang there for a minute, learn some things, then come back around and continue on my merry way.
In the past year, I’ve also incorporated meditation and journaling into my daily routine. I meditate with essential oils, stones, and music every night when I go to bed and I focus all of my energy on one thing. When I wake up in the morning, I jot down any dreams I remember having and/or any thoughts that I awoke with. I like to write those things down because I don’t always remember the details later when I have the time to look up the symbolism or mull over the relevance. I look for answers from the Universe when I meditate. I exchange energy with the Universe when I meditate. I’ve turned into a fucking hippy now that I meditate.
People think this stuff is hokey or crazy or even the work of the devil…. But it’s drastically improved my life in many areas and I truly believe that the power of the mind is limitless. Coming to terms with my hang-ups and less favorable traits has been really hard but I have become in tune with my body and mind and I trust myself and know that I’m doing my very best and that everything will be just as it should.
My favorite meditation mantra is, “I am eternally loved by this Universe and everything is working in my favor.”
Today, I am grateful for counseling.